Looking for Freedom

Let’s try this free-writing thing. It’s what happens when you don’t plan anything beforehand, or create any drafts, or heavily edit your writing. Kind of like word vomit, except on paper or on screen. I haven’t written on the blog for a while, which I did expect from myself, but let’s hope that this entry is the beginning of a more continuous flow of work.

So. It’s been a really long time since my last entry. And look at how inspired I was! So sure of myself and what I wanted to do. I wish that inspiration wouldn’t leave us so quickly. It’s like trying to hold sunlight in your hands: you revel in the moment, but then you realize that you have to move on because life doesn’t work when you’re staying in the same spot. And so you move around, and once you fall under shadow, it’s all gone.

Was that even good? Like, did that make sense, or do I sound like some naive teenage girl on FanFiction.Net or Tumblr (no offense)? Speaking of which, I do miss getting inspired by my fandoms. I mean, yes, I have looked into the stories again and appreciate them as they were, but I don’t remember the last time I felt so inspired that I felt like I had to do something with it, you know?

Maybe I’m just trying to chase inspiration and hold onto it so that I don’t feel so lost. Yes, I feel lost again. I do have a job now, but compared to my first blog entry, I still feel like I don’t understand where my interests and passions lie, and what I should be doing with them. Should I be looking for another job? Should I be looking into grad school in different places, or just research the one program I’m really interested in? Because I don’t want to be that complacent person who just floats around life, not really trying hard enough to follow her dreams or take risks to discover who she truly is. Because I’ve always been that person. Seriously, when you look at the jobs I’ve had, it’s been a random yet slow progression in gathering experience and saving money. But what am I gathering experience for? And what am I saving money for? I can’t possibly think of just living day by day and not have some Big Dream to work towards, right?

But I do sound privileged. Well, I am privileged. I am quite comfortable in my life that I don’t have to worry about keeping a roof over my head or staying warm and fed. I’m taken care of, and I don’t have pressing obligations to attend to. I am pretty lucky.

But then again, I remember talking to my old supervisor from Toronto ALPHA, and she had said that we should acknowledge that we are privileged, and then do something about it. It’s been hard for me to balance the gratitude with the power of privilege when I’m thinking about what else I could be doing with my life. Other than working, volunteering, eating, sleeping, loafing around the Internet, and occasionally having a bit of a social life. There’s gotta be more to it than this.