I had fully intended to write every day as set out in my coaching program. I had made a conscious decision to write 750 words everyday. I don’t always hit the mark, but I at least aim for the target. I do write everyday, and it feels like such a natural and positive part of me and my daily routine. I look forward to writing, and I feel bad if I don’t do it.
This kind of writing is like a step above my regular journal writing. Yes, it’s reflective and introspective and personal. But I’m trying harder to fine tune my writing in little ways: I go for smoother transitions, I use more formal language (e.g. less swearing), and I make sure that every post has a cohesive theme. In those (and many other) ways, I have improved.
But my original intention had included the creative writing that I had done in my university class: poetry and short stories. Fiction. But I have only gotten around to doing it a couple of times. It’s probably because I prefer to write fiction by hand, and that takes longer. And writing fiction or poetry takes longer. It’s highly likely because I’m scared. I’m scared that it won’t be good, or that it won’t go anywhere. After all, I’m not going to publish bits and pieces of fiction here.
Or could I? I would feel weird posting something that isn’t finished. But let’s venture into that possibility… I could post some poetry here. I could post excerpts and then make commentaries on it. It would certainly be different from what I’m doing now.
Actually, what I’m doing now is different than what I had originally intended to do with this blog. I had wanted to post about how stories can strongly influence people, especially when it comes to empathy and peace-building. I was going to take examples from fiction and real life narratives and comment on how those specific stories are great examples of humans striving towards a better world. I could still do that, but talking about my own life has been so therapeutic for me.
And I think that’s why I have been posting so much about my life. Like I had set out to do in my post about my new year’s resolution, I had wanted to analyze myself like I would with a character as a way of treating myself like I would with my favourites. It’s a great way to be kind to yourself, and I encourage all of you to try it out. In many ways, it’s been more helpful than writing fiction. Yes, fiction can be an extension of yourself and can help you in its own way, but I’m not at that level just yet. I’m still trying to understand my own story. And yes, I’m prioritizing my own story, mostly because I had neglected it at times in favour of fictional characters. It’s not necessarily bad, but it’s not fair towards me. I deserve to analyze my story and do my best to understand myself. I deserve to be selfish every once in a while, especially if it’s for my highest good. And I damn well deserve to allow myself to act more like a hero who goes on adventures and ultimately wins.
I will try harder to write more fiction. But for now, I’m working on my own story.