I hardly ever write about my family here. Actually, I can’t remember the last time I paused to reflect and be thankful for these people in my life. It must have been last year, and even then it was probably when my grandpa had died. I thought of him recently, and it still astounds me that I still miss him and cry. I had thought that I was past this. And now that I see those words, I feel bad about being “past this,” whatever “this” is.
It’ll probably take more time for me to let the impact that my grandpa had left on me truly sink in. And honestly, I know that I need to take more time to think about why he’s had such an impact on me. Maybe it’s because he was one of the kindest people I’ve ever known. Maybe it’s because I thought that I would see him again and wasn’t give the opportunity. Maybe it’s these things and more, just like he and everybody else in this world is more than the sum of their parts.
It’s just days away from the anniversary of his death. I still haven’t decided what I’ll do on that day, other than listening to James Taylor’s Fire and Rain. (I haven’t listened to that song since the day my grandpa had died. I haven’t been able to bring myself to listen to it since.) I know I’ll be working, but other than that, I want to honour him in some way. Do I find a quiet spot in a forest or park and reflect on the times we’ve shared together? Or do I want to go through photos and videos? Or do I want to just spend time with my family?
The third one I’ve found helps the most. It’s kind of a distraction in that we won’t talk about him 100% of the time, but it’s also therapeutic because I’m surrounded by people who are going through the exact same thing as me. And quite recently, we’ve heard that more family members have passed away. Each time I hear the news, I always reflect on how fragile life is and that we should be focusing on sharing as much of ourselves with each other as possible. Each time I hear the news, I end up sharing in the grief that my other family members are feeling, whether I’m communicating with them or not. (I’ve realized recently that I take on the emotions of other people, whether I feel the same way or not. I think that’s why I can get emotionally exhausted from being around a lot of people.)
And so it just amazes me how I can feel so connected with my family in this way. I can’t express myself in words (or am too scared to do so for some reason) in front of them, but I am grateful for everything they do for me.