I’m experiencing something that happens whenever I’m settled into a new job and going through the motions. I’m wishing for something better. As selfish and ungrateful as that can be, it’s something that I can’t help but feel whenever I know that whatever work I’m doing just isn’t enough. It kind of sucks.
I know what I want. I know what the ideal job would be. And I know that it probably doesn’t exist. I’m not sure whether it will ever exist. In a way, it’s fun to play around with those fantasies in my head. In a way, it keeps me going when I’m feeling stuck. It feels nice to know that I can still imagine better for myself.
However, it doesn’t really help the situation that I’m in. And the situation is that I don’t feel satisfied with the way that I’m living my life. I keep going back to 2014 and 2015 and reflecting on whatever job I had or what my lifestyle was like at the time and comparing how I had felt with each experience. And this is what I’ve realized: As secure as it was to have a job, as nice as it was to meet new people and learn new things, and as grateful as I was to have a source of income – I knew that I wasn’t deeply happy. And that was because I was so focused on what I didn’t like and therefore so stressed about the fact that I wasn’t doing anything about it. I wasn’t making my situation better.
On the flip side, as lost as I had felt when I was unemployed or working part-time or just volunteering – I was still happy. I was in control of how I spent my day, of what I did with my time. I was planning on going to events of all kinds, of writing more often, of exploring my personality and the depth of my passions. I was happy. But I still wasn’t satisfied.
And then there’s that spot in the middle, where I was employed and happy with the job, but unhappy with the pay or the environment, but was mindful of how I was going to make the most of what I had. I was happy. But again, I was unsatisfied.
So what does that mean? Am I never going to be satisfied with my life? With myself?
It can feel like a curse to never be fully satisfied with yourself and the life that you’re living. It prevents you from truly appreciating what you have and being grateful for the infinite amount of blessings you experience every day. But I’m taking this reflection as an opportunity to continue making the most of what I have, and being grateful for what I have. Believing that you are enough and that you are doing everything you can do be a good person is a very powerful thing.
I’m definitely in a better mood and more positive mindset to talk about what was good things happened this year. Here we go!
– I worked my first job out of university (12 months after last exam, 9 months after graduation and after I started actively looking) and learned a lot (and got paid well)
– I’ve volunteered at two organizations I’ve wanted to work for since 2012. And I’ve been promoted twice in one of those organizations!
– I saw We Will Rock You
– I started watching Parks and Recreation and Brooklyn Nine-Nine
– I found out my Style Statement is Graceful Legend
– I found out my Element is writing and helping others
– I submitted some of my work for publication
– I developed a short story
– I read The Alchemist, by Paulo Coehlo, and Yes Please, by Amy Poehler, which I believe are equally great and will make me a better person
– I read more in general
– I developed my career and career goals through research and networking. I also bought a program in November called Zero to Network to help with my career, and it’s been helping a lot so far
– I’ve been to several interviews and getting more confident in selling myself
– I started to practice yoga in November and it’s been so great to find a form of exercise that I actually like and will want to continue with
– I met a lot of wonderful people through work, volunteering, and just going out
– How I Met Your Mother ended – While I may not want to watch the entire series again, I do really value what I have learned from the show. I learned that it was okay to struggle with finding a job and finding love. I learned that there is a reason why it takes years for someone to find the love of their life. I may not know what the reason for my situation is, but the show did help me be more patient and understanding.
– Naruto ended – thank goodness it did! Because I thought that the story was dragging along. It was bittersweet to read the final chapters, though. The manga and the anime motivated me to be more courageous and frankly to exercise more (those ninjas were freakishly strong).
– Legend of Korra ended – the finale wasn’t as epic as the one for Avatar: The Last Airbender, but I did appreciate the show overall. If you’re looking for a show with strong, empowered women of colour, this is it.
– The Hobbit: Battle of the Five Armies capped the end of the Middle Earth movies by Peter Jackson and company. Another end of an era. I’m so glad that my dad introduced me to these movies; I remember him renting The Fellowship of the Ring from Rogers and me becoming totally engrossed in the story.
– And I watched for the first time: Dead Poets Society, The Godfather, 40 Year Old Virgin, Knocked Up, Pulp Fiction, Love Actually, and Spirited Away
I’m glad that I took the time and made the head- and heart-space for remembering the good things that have happened to me this year. It goes to show that once we realize just how much the positive outweighs the negative, our lives are richer and more fulfilling.
I just want this year to end. Personal and fandom-related things have made 2014 pretty awful:
– My grandfather died – I have never cried so much in my entire life
– I was unemployed, got a cushy job that was not meant for me, quit the cushy job, became unemployed again and am now wondering what comes next
– How I Met Your Mother ended – the finale kind of killed my romantic optimism
– Naruto ended – bittersweet, since it was a big chunk of my adolescence
– Legend of Korra is going to end soon – an amazing show that was not treated well by Nickelodeon
The first two things are enough to make me want to fast-forward to next year. The fandom stuff didn’t make 2014 truly awful, but since those shows/stories meant a lot to me, I’m sad to see them go.
Hopefully by the end of December I’ll have something more optimistic to say about 2014.