It wasn’t burnout.

December 2017 (literally a day ago) had me in the most confusing and terrifying mental and emotional spiral I have ever experienced. I was doubting myself, giving myself negative self talk, and was overall unsure of what my life had become.

I lost sense of who I was, what I wanted, and my reasons for everything. I lost sight of my why.

It was so scary, mostly because I didn’t understand where these thoughts and feelings had come from, and why my body decided to crash at the same time. I knew I was getting sick, but I didn’t know what was happening.

And so I went to a counselling session at school. I explained the exhaustion, the sadness, the confusion, and the profound sense of emptiness and overwhelm. I barely finished telling the counsellor what was going on, when she said, “this isn’t burnout. This is depression.”

I burst into tears. I had somehow known, deep down, that I was going through depression, that I have already experienced depression several times over the past couple of years, that I have been pushing this truth away, burying it. But it resurfaced with a vengeance and wreaked havoc on my spirit and body.

I’m still reeling from the truth being spoken by someone, and from me beginning to accept it. I want 2018 to be the year that I cultivate the seeds I had planted – the seeds of self compassion, healthy habits, loving kindness, and living out my truth. It’s not going to be easy, but it’s going to be worth it.


Where is the magic?

Right around this time of year, I look around and can’t help but feel a little disappointed. This feeling creeps up sooner every year, sometimes just within the first week of December. It’s a feeling of disappointment in not seeing magic.

It was so much easier as a child to marvel and wonder at all of the amazing things that Christmas had to offer: the TV specials, the movies, the sweet treats, the decorations, the gifts, the music, the sheer enthusiasm and genuine joy that you could actually feel in the air.

But I don’t feel that anymore.

Instead, I’ve felt stress, annoyance, frustration, and a desire to just get it over with: the gift shopping, the party planing, the entire thing. I kinda hate it.

I so wish I could call back the magic of the season, and I’m going to try this month to do so. But it’s just not the same anymore.

So what can I do differently in order to feel the magic? What can I do as an adult to feel like a child again? I can’t get rid of my responsibilities and obligations. So what would I need to add or take away or change in order to bring back that awe and wonder?

I hope I can find this feeling again.


I’ve recently joined Medium – it’s another online space for blogs, and is getting more popular for organizations and corporations to post their content.

My first post (which I literally just published 5 minutes ago) is called “Why 2016 Didn’t Completely Suck, or What Chicago & Hamilton Taught me about Mortality & Legacy.”

I am especially proud of this post, because I’ve set up my Medium account to be more public and polished. If you don’t have a Medium account, I highly recommend creating one.

This will likely be my last post of 2016, since my post on Medium sums up the year in a very positive way.

Here’s to a better 2017!