It wasn’t burnout.

December 2017 (literally a day ago) had me in the most confusing and terrifying mental and emotional spiral I have ever experienced. I was doubting myself, giving myself negative self talk, and was overall unsure of what my life had become.

I lost sense of who I was, what I wanted, and my reasons for everything. I lost sight of my why.

It was so scary, mostly because I didn’t understand where these thoughts and feelings had come from, and why my body decided to crash at the same time. I knew I was getting sick, but I didn’t know what was happening.

And so I went to a counselling session at school. I explained the exhaustion, the sadness, the confusion, and the profound sense of emptiness and overwhelm. I barely finished telling the counsellor what was going on, when she said, “this isn’t burnout. This is depression.”

I burst into tears. I had somehow known, deep down, that I was going through depression, that I have already experienced depression several times over the past couple of years, that I have been pushing this truth away, burying it. But it resurfaced with a vengeance and wreaked havoc on my spirit and body.

I’m still reeling from the truth being spoken by someone, and from me beginning to accept it. I want 2018 to be the year that I cultivate the seeds I had planted – the seeds of self compassion, healthy habits, loving kindness, and living out my truth. It’s not going to be easy, but it’s going to be worth it.

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Where is the magic?

Right around this time of year, I look around and can’t help but feel a little disappointed. This feeling creeps up sooner every year, sometimes just within the first week of December. It’s a feeling of disappointment in not seeing magic.

It was so much easier as a child to marvel and wonder at all of the amazing things that Christmas had to offer: the TV specials, the movies, the sweet treats, the decorations, the gifts, the music, the sheer enthusiasm and genuine joy that you could actually feel in the air.

But I don’t feel that anymore.

Instead, I’ve felt stress, annoyance, frustration, and a desire to just get it over with: the gift shopping, the party planing, the entire thing. I kinda hate it.

I so wish I could call back the magic of the season, and I’m going to try this month to do so. But it’s just not the same anymore.

So what can I do differently in order to feel the magic? What can I do as an adult to feel like a child again? I can’t get rid of my responsibilities and obligations. So what would I need to add or take away or change in order to bring back that awe and wonder?

I hope I can find this feeling again.

Medium

I’ve recently joined Medium – it’s another online space for blogs, and is getting more popular for organizations and corporations to post their content.

My first post (which I literally just published 5 minutes ago) is called “Why 2016 Didn’t Completely Suck, or What Chicago & Hamilton Taught me about Mortality & Legacy.”

I am especially proud of this post, because I’ve set up my Medium account to be more public and polished. If you don’t have a Medium account, I highly recommend creating one.

This will likely be my last post of 2016, since my post on Medium sums up the year in a very positive way.

Here’s to a better 2017!